Shadow, shadow on the wall…

As I was reading my last post I realized my fears are not as visible and concrete as I thought they would be. No, they come to me in a form of shadows. The shadows that are a part of you and come out the strongest when I turn off the light and try to sleep.

Yes. I am a little bit afraid of the dark, but who isn't. As a child I was abused by my babysitter, an elderly lady who apparently kept me in the bathroom while my parents were at work. It was after few months when I got a horrible blood infection and my parents were investigated. You see, my infection was suspicious because the only way you get it is by toilet water or very bad sanitary conditions that we did not have. My mom explained to me that I almost died because I had to go under adult antibiotics that could ruin my kidneys and cause system falour due to high fever. This woman had kept me in a toilet with no water and what my mother suspects is that I had to find ways to hydrate myself while being there. I don’t remember this period in my life, but my mother said that I the nightmares haunted me years after.

When I think about it now I realize I am now older and more secure. I am not that afraid of the dark but lately the shadows are coming in a different shapes and sizes. My fear of not been able to support my self and my family, being unemployed for a year now. Then there is the  fear of not finding somebody to love and to love back. And now, coming to me as strong and scariest of them all is finding out tonight that my mother should undertake at least two major back surgeries.

Having to lose my father two years ago, this revelation has buried me deep into a well with no visible way out. In order to keep a sane mind I need to face this with my bravest face, but all I feel is cold water around me and the depth of my despair.

I have caught my self thinking how much I miss my ex. I wish I had his arms around me and just hearing him saying, it is going to be all right. As I lay down in this room of shadows, crying under illumination of this laptop I wonder, can I do this by myself? I even resisted calling him and hearing his voice but I know deep down that it would just be a quick fix that would in the end serve no real purpose. He is part of my past and by his choice prefers to stay there, because if he didn’t, he would have picked up the phone during the past 8 moths to here my voice. So, no. No, calling people who don’t want me in their hart. I said hart for a reason because we keep people in our life but only a few of them reside in our harts. He is still in mine, which saddens me even more.
 
Funny thing about fears. They are such inhibitors. I felt once so afraid that I stood still, unable to move and barely breathe normally. This is what they are capable of doing. I am paralyzed, or am I?

Shadow, shadow on the wall…which one of you is the scariest of them all?

Where the hell is my “Mojo”???

In the middle of a storm, a pilgrim reaches an inn and the owner asks where he is going.

“I’m going to the mountains,” he answers.

“Forget it,” says the innkeeper, “it’s a risky climb, and the weather is awful.”

“But I’m going up,” answers the pilgrim. ”It is my dream”.

“If my heart got there first, it will be easy to follow it with my body.”

I am climbing my friends. I have been doing so for years and my bones hurt, but that is a pain I cant endure, it’s my hart that I am worrying about. My hart is skipping and the road ahead of me is getting to be hazier as I continue by myself. To be frank, I am single for eight months and I hate the fact I lost my “Mojo” along the way.

Mojo

The word originally means a charm or a spell. But now its more commonly said meaning sex appeal or talent.

N.
1. Self-confidence, Self-assuredness. As in basis for belief in ones self in a situation. Esp. I context of contest or display of skill such as sexual advances or going into battle.
2. Good luck fetish / charm to bolster confidence.
3. ability to bounce back from a debilitating trauma and negative attitude

Damn it, I want it back! I feel like an idiot in the group of people. I just stand there, nodding as if I am part of the conversation and even if I do say something, timing is off or the conversation has all ready moved into another direction.

If I like somebody, It takes me forever to say something. Forming a sentence reminds me of plucking words with pliers from my mouth. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh…this is so not me… this is killing me. The worst part is that I can see my self and I know if I don’t change something soon, soon enough I will not be invited to these little “get-togethers”. Why would I? I’m sad to watch.

The thing about me is that I am the positive one that always keeps the party up and running. Being around new people brings me contort because I love expanding my social network. Speaking publicly has never been a problem, why would it? I am karaoke queen who gets the party started. 

So, where the hell is my “Mojo”???

But please don’t get me wrong, my “Mojo” is not just the spark that attracts the opposite sex, but the spark that shows my creative, larger than life attitude towards all my dreams and goals. This means that I haven’t painted nor did anything creative during all this time.

This is why I decided to make some changes in my life, so I am going to do one thing that scares me every day, or at least try and write about it. Hehehe…If this doesn't spark the old engine, I don't know what else will, but heck...at least it should be interesting.