As I was reading my last post I realized my fears
are not as visible and concrete as I thought they would be. No, they come to me
in a form of shadows. The shadows that are a part of you and come out the
strongest when I turn off the light and try to sleep.
Yes. I am a little bit afraid of the dark, but who isn't. As a child I was
abused by my babysitter, an elderly lady who apparently kept me in the bathroom
while my parents were at work. It was after few months when I got a horrible blood
infection and my parents were investigated. You see, my infection was
suspicious because the only way you get it is by toilet water or very bad
sanitary conditions that we did not have. My mom explained to me that I almost
died because I had to go under adult antibiotics that could ruin my kidneys and
cause system falour due to high fever. This woman had kept me in a toilet with
no water and what my mother suspects is that I had to find ways to hydrate
myself while being there. I don’t remember this period in my life, but my
mother said that I the nightmares haunted me years after.When I think about it now I realize I am now older and more secure. I am not that afraid of the dark but lately the shadows are coming in a different shapes and sizes. My fear of not been able to support my self and my family, being unemployed for a year now. Then there is the fear of not finding somebody to love and to love back. And now, coming to me as strong and scariest of them all is finding out tonight that my mother should undertake at least two major back surgeries.
Having to lose my father two years ago, this revelation has buried me deep into a well with no visible way out. In order to keep a sane mind I need to face this with my bravest face, but all I feel is cold water around me and the depth of my despair.
I have caught my self thinking how much I miss my ex. I wish I had his arms around me and just hearing him saying, it is going to be all right. As I lay down in this room of shadows, crying under illumination of this laptop I wonder, can I do this by myself? I even resisted calling him and hearing his voice but I know deep down that it would just be a quick fix that would in the end serve no real purpose. He is part of my past and by his choice prefers to stay there, because if he didn’t, he would have picked up the phone during the past 8 moths to here my voice. So, no. No, calling people who don’t want me in their hart. I said hart for a reason because we keep people in our life but only a few of them reside in our harts. He is still in mine, which saddens me even more.
Funny thing about fears. They are such inhibitors. I felt once so afraid that I stood still, unable to move and barely breathe normally. This is what they are capable of doing. I am paralyzed, or am I?
